So today is going to be the greatest internet article you will ever read in this or any other lifetime. We set this up as such because we know that once we do this there is no way we could ever reach your silly expectations. You’re here to be informed and entertained. So now that we have the entertained section of the article done, let’s hop to it. Shall we?


This article came about while I stopped by Whole Foods and become enraged at their horrible deli and cold deli selections. I wandered to the vitamin area and a very attractive lady assisted me with a rather good question: is there much of a difference between white and red Maca?

Ok so from what you might know this could easily be another over-hyped Superfood. Some people claim it’s just a stupid root for stupid people and then give you a wedgie. Others think you can merely have a teaspoon and rip trees out from the roots with your new found strength. Both sides are ridiculous and should be pushed into a lake. Because that’s just silly.

Maca is basically a plant that the Peruvians grow up on a mountain 11,000 feet into the sky. It’s the highest growing crop in the world. More than pot (GET IT?). It thrives in cold conditions and the Peruvians basically only can harvest it by forming phalanxs to go up the mountain side and huddle like penguins to get close enough to it. Whether this may or may not be a fact, what is fact is it looks like a radish. And tribes for centuries have been tweeting about it’s energy benefits and as far back as the early 1300’s they would do selfies holding the Maca plant up to their duckpouts.

What’s in it? Try this on for size. Dried Maca root contains 13-16% protein, 8.5% fiber, 19 essential amino acids, vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, C and D, minerals iron, magnesium, copper, zinc, sodium, potassium, calcium, several glucosinolates, 20 free fatty acids, and unique compounds called macaenes and macamides. Because of all this, it’s considered to be as badass as ginseng is, which makes it an adaptogen. What’s that? Makes you flip off sickness and gives your immune system a hard-on more or less.

Basically, your immune system turns into Neo against the agent’s bullets in the hallway.

Maca also was the worlds first pre-workout supplement more or less. Back in ancient times, tribes would have their crazy games like hockey or curling or bear wrestling, and Maca would completely help them win at whatever contest they participated in. It gives you stamina, endurance and helps with chronic fatigue syndrome. There is apparently some crazy idea it cures erectile dysfunciton, but we all know the only thing that cures that is STOP LOOKING AT PORN DUDE. Maca can’t really help you with that. But it could jack your sperm count up.

Can it help the ladies? Sure can. It’s not sexist like some of those other roots are. It will gives the energy and stamina to you whether you have a penis or a vagina. Thankfully. But it can also help you with hair growth, skin tone, enhancing curves (NO SHIT???), reducing depression, balancing hormones during menopause and holding the door closed on Osteoperosis.

So now what? You just go out and get yourself some Maca? NO. Choose first. Choose? Yes. Choose. There are three kinds. White, red and black. Well if you want the standard benefits, the white stuff is just fine. If you’re looking for more of a kick, red. But if you want the primo stuff, like Tony Montana quality product, black maca. But it’s harder to find so you’ll have to Amazon it. Either way, it at it’s minimum will help with energy levels and give you an extra dip in your hip.

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